Hard.

Life is getting hard, really very hard, you know? I wish my friends would still be by my side and listen to all my thoughts. But it's so hard since we are distant, mentally and physically. I miss them so much. God, can you please tell me, am I really the one who screw all the things up? I'm so stressful. Studies, friendship, relationship. Why? I've tried to tell myself everything will be okay but it's just so hard to go through them without my friends. I just didn't want to talk so much in front of my mom because I think I would worry her. I know she will be worrying if I tell her.

Jealousy kills. It does. I'm never that kind of girl who can deals with boyfriend hanging out with other girls. But why must this happened on me? God, you know this is my major weakness. I don't even think I can get through this. I am really scare Terence would be the same as Yan Shian, leaving me because of the existence of third party. Friends told me I should learn the lesson but my boyfriend asked me to get over the past. I did get over the past but somehow I just couldn't forget the pain, that extreme pain which caused by him. I don't even think I can bear with it for the next time. I tried to trust him and have faith in him but god knows feelings can grow between people after they have spent so much time together. Somehow this thought haunts me every night and I dreamt of the same thing over and over again. That pain is indescribable and it was suffocating. I would just woke up from my sleep and cried myself back to sleep and the same dream haunts me again. I got so insecure with my thoughts and I started to push people away and locked myself up in the room. God, I need your help, so much. I can't seek for anyone's help, because I shall not interrupt people's lives with my problems. God, can you please tell me the best solution for this and let me improve myself, let me realize what I've done and what I can do?

I miss him, very much. I miss him used to care about me, to tell me he loves me so much. I just don't like sharing. What's mine is only mine. I just couldn't bear the thought which he spent most of his time with other girl, going college together, going here and there together, having lunch together, going home together. As if they did everything together. I am so scared to be replaced, 'cause I've been replaced by people for so many times, in my 18 years life.

God, please listen to my prayer. Please tell me he worth everything I did, and my time and all my love. You are the one who let him come into my life and ease my pain, please let him be the one I can appreciate for a very long time. Amen.